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Welcome! [Feb. 14th, 2013|03:02 am]
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Welcome to Ask the Agony Aunt, the advice column for people who don't want to go to the trouble of writing to Dear Abby!  (I think she's dead anyway.  Or is that Ann Landers?  No matter.)

What IS an "agony aunt"?  According to that 100% accurate repository of all human knowledge, Wikipedia, an agony aunt is "[a]n advice column . . . in a magazine or newspaper written by an advice columnist (colloquially known in British English as an agony aunt, or agony uncle if the columnist is a male)."

Do you have a burning question about manners, style, sex or relationships*?  The Agony Aunt has all of these, in spades, and she will knowledgeably answer your questions about them!  (And, unlike your REAL aunt, she doesn't judge you.) 

How do you ask advice of the Agony Aunt?  Simply ask your question by posting an anonymous comment to this first post.  I will then re-post your question and my answer below, in a relatively timely manner.  Your question may be modified slightly for clarity/brevity's sake or in order to omit identifying information, or ignored if you're clearly just screwing with me.


Thank you for choosing Ask the Agony Aunt - your source for friendly, helpful advice!†
~ AA
 

* The Agony Aunt does not give legal advice.
†  The Agony Aunt regrets to inform younger readers that this site is for persons aged 18+.♦
♦  The Agony Aunt reserves the right to decline to answer any letter.


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F----ed Up Friendship: [May. 16th, 2012|05:03 pm]
Dear Auntie,

I have quite a dilemma, please help.

Back when my husband and I were dating, I met one of Chris's "best friends since childhood."  We hung out a few times on double dates (I liked his then-gf who he ended up cheating on and putting me in the middle of), and did some fun things like ice fishing trips, etc.

However this "friend" soon showed his true colors: he was a cheating, lying, jealous jerk and nowhere near a friend. I would have never said anything to my then bf, but luckily I didn't have to. "Friend" clearly crossed the line. He sent me an extremely hateful facebook message with pages and pages of reasons why I should find a new guy because my boyfriend (now husband) was a horrible person (that is putting what he said mildly). Basically the message, about two pages long, listed EVERYTHING bad that my husband (then boyfriend) had ever done in his life and quite a few made up things as well. I forwarded the message, and he (hubby) quickly ended that toxic relationship. Let me me also note that this said "ex best friend since childhood" had a list a mile long for reasons why one would not want to remain friends with HIM, not only this ultimate betrayal.  Two main reasons: he partakes in illegal activities and 2. has no moral compass whatsoever.

Stupidly, I thought the problem was over. Well, last night my husband told me that he and his "ex bff" have started talking again through Facebook. Has he completely forgot about the reason he stopped talking to him? Has the time (2 years or so) been long enough for some forgiveness? I really don't want this person in our lives. My husband is very outgoing and has plenty of other much better friends. Do I say anything to him? Thank you for your time and advice,

Sincerely,
Confused on Man Friend Relationships

* * *

Dear CMFR:

I've avoided answering this letter for a couple of reasons, so first, please let me offer my apologies.

One reason* is that AA has also had tumultuous relations with her husband's BFF, so she is quite frequently preplexed at why men retain the friends they do.  Frankly, I wasn't sure if I was the one to be giving advice about one's spouse's buddies.  In my case, said BFF painstakingly and rather cruelly detailed everything that was wrong with ME‡ to Agony Uncle (we were dating at the time).  To my mystification, Agony Uncle remained friends with this dude for a couple of years after that.

To some extent, I can understand it: "bros before hos" (and its lesser-known corollary, "chicks before dicks") is a popular sentiment, and if you strip away the incendiary terminology, it's easy to understand why: pre-existing friendships generally should not be jettisoned in favor of new relationships.

However, there are exceptions, and in my case - and WAY more so in yours - the Bro in question was way out of line.  I'll assume  that Chris isn't suffering from early-stage Alzheimer's and DOES remember the Facebook Message of Horror that Brohan perpetrated.  Yet he still values this friendship enough to continue it, and AA has no freakin' clue why that is.  Perhaps it's just as simple as Needy's view in "Jennifer's Body": "Sandbox love never dies."  

Anyway, I have no idea why Chris is talking to Broseph again.  But I DO think you should bring it up to him if you haven't already.  Just tell him calmly that it really squicks you out that he's once again chummy with someone who has demonstrated, in writing, how little he values Chris as a person.  Don't make it into an argument; just put it out there and let it percolate for a while.  Even if he doesn't talk about it right then, he WILL be thinking about it - and hopefully stewing over it.  

Really, that's all you can do.  You could certainly insist that Chris never talk to his old BFF again, but that might be construed as you being a controlling Frankenbitch.  I think that the best way is to simply address it once and then drop it.  Even if Chris persists with the friendship for a while, the bastard buddy WILL slip up again eventually - it never fails! - and hopefully Chris will write him off for good this time.  

Best of luck!  
Love, AA


* Another reason is that AA recently started studying for the bar exam.†

† Yes, again.  Let's not be judgy.

‡ It took a while.
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Ex Patriot: [Apr. 2nd, 2012|07:16 pm]
Dear AA:

I was lost and needed a good trusted source and the truth, so I have come to Agony Aunt.

My ex and I were high school sweethearts. We dated for almost five years and broke up about the time every post-high school love does...about the end of freshman year of college. He was my first love and i was his. He did me wrong and was foolish, and I dumped his ass because I know my worth. He spent over a year trying to get me back with no success, because he should have appreciated me while he had me, not after. Then three more years for my friendship, I abused him verbally and told him to go away and that I hated him. When I was no longer hurt and grew up, I realized that before he was my boyfriend he was my best friend. I loved him more than i have ever loved another man (besides my father of couse).

So after three years I finally gave in and we became friends, and he took me out to dinner when he came back home from the military. The next tour home he brought his new girlfriend home, and he and I (along with her and high school friends) all went out. It was strange for two seconds but I realized looking at him I had no feelings but love and hope he would find everything that made him happy. I enjoyed my night with him and everyone and that was that. We have been Facebook friends since we made up and then the drama started! His girlfriend's friends started attacking me with any comments I made in his Facebook. He apologized and said she missed him and all the energy was being reflected on me. I have NEVER made inappropriate statements or nicknames. I said okay, didn't post on there for over six months. Then the other day I posted about a movie production he has asked me to keep him updated on. The NEXT day I was removed off his friends list and blocked. I know he didn't do it's because he is nowhere near a computer. 

I wanted to be friends with him because he was such a big part of my childhood, we went from middle school through together. I wanted my best friend to always have and grow old with. But for heaven's sake, I don't want this drama. I'm in such a positive place in my life that I hate this! I still speak to his parents and have dinner with them - his girlfriend can't stand it! Jealousy? I know I look better but don't hate me, come on! (Lol, J/k.) 

What should I do? It hurts that he came back and now he is gone. I'm secure in myself, and in any relationship I may have my man will be secure because trust is everything. Can exes be friends? Ever? What should I do about this wacko of a girlfriend? I think I might walk away but once they end he will come back and ask for my friendship.  I don't think I will be so accepting this time. 

Sincerely,
The Good Ex
* * *

Dear TGE:

Well, AA has never managed to be friends with an ex (and never wanted to), but that may be because AA is widely acknowledged to be a contentious bitch.  So there's that.

Here's what I'm thinking: right now, you and the hosebeast girlfriend are at a bit of an impasse.  If your dashing dude is currently serving in some hellhole where communications are iffy (and yes, I consider any place without 24-hour Facebook access to be exactly that), no reconciliation is going to be accomplished anytime soon.  

So he may not know that his current partner has appropriated his password and is playing fast and loose with his identity and friends. But he DOES know that his girlfriend's friends were being abusive to you before that - probably at the girlfriend's instigation - when you say you were simply being friendly.  And he made excuses for her.  So it sounds to me as if he was actually enjoying all the dramz of two girls fighting over him.  If that's true, it means that he may not be particularly good friend material.

Here's what I'd do: do not attempt to contact him when he comes home from his tour, or for Spring Break (or whatever the military equivalent may be; I'm kind of fuzzy on the details).  If he calls or writes to YOU, and asks why you unfriended him on Facebook, you may feel free to tell him - calmly and unemotionally - the facts as they occurred, and let him draw the logical conclusions.  If, on the other hand, he comes back home for good, and he never does attempt to contact you...well, then you have your answer, and will be able to find far better friends elsewhere.  

Good luck!
Love,
AA


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Make a New Plan, Stan:* [Mar. 4th, 2012|06:15 pm]
Dear AA,

I've been married for 15+ years, we have 2 wonderful children and my wife is, if truth be told, a very good person and is committed to the relationship. 

I, on the other hand am unhappy with the relationship and I'm not sure I am committed to staying married to her. She's done nothing to turn me away, but our relationship has become very staid and stilted in recent years, to the extent that I disliked going home and spending time with her. we just ended up watching tv most of the time. we've tried counseling, but that didn't go anywhere. she doesn't know I'm this desperate and I try to hide it from her. 

She has recently moved to another city in what is supposed to be a temporary move but this new-found freedom let me with a very positive outlook on life. I have been doing a lot of things that I like - and things we hadn't done for years ... going sailing, to the beach, and meeting new people which I had given up on in the past few years. I feel reborn, confident and full of life, which wasn't the case until she moved away. 

I can see 3 possible scenarios:
(a) stay married and faithful, but remain deeply unhappy;
(b) separate (not just physically, but formally) which would likely lead to divorce
(c) stay married and not faithful and 'play around'. 

All 3 look like very unappealing choices !! At present I'm veering towards (b). 

I know this is extremely selfish of me .... I wish I could hypnotize myself into loving her once again and this would be an ideal scenario, but that's just wishful thinking on my part. 

What do you suggest? 

Thanks
Keyser

* * *

Dear Keyser:

Sorry about the delay - I've been in the fetal position since I got your letter, which makes it kind of hard to type.  Frankly, your situation is the living nightmare of Smug Marrieds everywhere (of which I suppose I am one).  What is a SM supposed to DO when the passionate love on which he's predicated his very future turns to ennui and indifference?

In this case, at least, the solution seems evident to me: you must separate from/divorce your wife.†

While I was all curled up like a popcorn shrimp, I did a lot of musing on your options.  Given that you've already been to counseling, your wife must be somewhat sensible of the fact that you're, as you admit, deeply unhappy.  Thus, she must be a bit troubled in her mind as well - what person of any sensitivity could blithely accept knowing that her partner is dissatisfied?  

You also say that she has recently moved to another city.  Not a mere business trip, but an actual move.  One can view this move as a necessary concession to the more complicated aspects of modern family life, or as a welcome escape for her.  I'm not saying which one it is - how could I? - but it certainly adds another possible dimension to her state of mind.

Thus, you're unhappy, and she is probably not feeling so pert herself.  Now to the happiness of the two other parties in the relationship: the kids.  

Opinions vary on whether staying together for the sake of the kids is the right move.  But you asked for MY opinion, so I'll give it to you: I do not think that it would be beneficial to them, either, were you to stay in this marriage where you're merely faking it.  Children are very perceptive, and (beside one's spouse) who knows you better than yours do?  If they have attained the Age of Reason (or thereabouts), they have almost certainly gleaned some signs of unhappiness on your end - and, although she may be loath to admit it, possibly your wife's as well.

I know that many people will disagree with me and maintain that you ought to stifle these unhappy feelings - isn't "good enough" enough?  Well, I don't think so, and clearly, you don't either.

Obviously, if you decide to separate, you will make every effort to insure that relations between you and your ex remains civil at all times.  As a child of divorce, I am of the opinion that it is not the actual divorce that traumatizes children - I sailed through my parents' divorce pretty well - but rather the animosity between the parents.‡  Hell, at least half of your kids' friends are children of divorce.  Work overtime to be friendly to your ex, and they stand a good chance of taking it in stride.

So: you're not doing anyone any favors by staying in a marriage in which you feel miserable.  Make as graceful an exit as possible, and be just as great a parent after the divorce as you are now.

Please keep me updated, and good luck!
Love,
AA



* Alternate Title:  "This Is Only Agony Aunt's Opinion.  Please Do Not Egg Her House."

† Again: THIS IS ONLY MY OPINION.  

‡ Have I mentioned that this is just a personal opinion?  I really can't emphasize that enough.  

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From Auntie with Love (and Badgers): [Feb. 9th, 2012|05:16 am]
My Dear Readers:

It has been an entire year* since I started this advice column, and I couldn't be more pleased that you still take the time to share your particular brand of woe with your Agony Aunt and read her sage advice (or demented ramblings, if you prefer) on the subject!

So thank you for continuing to read and submit, and (whether you are single or partnered) have a wonderful Valentine's Day!†

Love,
AA


* Meh, close enough.

† And, for the love of CRAP, will people please stop kvetching about how Valentine's Day is a purely commercial holiday blah blah blah they're just out to take our money and exploit our fears of being alone yaddah yaddah yaddah you should be loving and generous to your partner EVERY DAY thppptht thppptht thppptht?  Every one of these criticisms is valid, but hearing you say them every year is frigging tedious (and, frankly, makes you look like a real tool).  It's just as tired as that "Zombie Jesus" schtick that people bust out every Easter.  YES, we ought to have more than one day devoted to love, and parents, and veterans, and winsome badgers, but nobody ever bitches about the insidious social evil that is National Badger Day‡, do they?  No, they do not.  So just eat your damn discounted candy and pipe down already.

‡ Which is on the first Saturday of October.  But I'm sure you knew that already.



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Bat Karma: [Jan. 25th, 2012|10:32 am]
Dear Agony Aunt:

I am in a relationship and consequently in love with the boy in question. However, I've been best friends with this OTHER boy for 4 years and now there's an inkling of attraction. I don't know what to do. The guilt is killing me. Please don't tell me to evaluate my options because I've tried doing that and it doesn't work. I feel like I might cheat even though I don't want to. 

Sincerely, 
Bella

* * *

Dear Bella,*

Agony Aunt is confused.  You say that there is just an "inkling of attraction" between you and your best friend (just for shucks, let's call him "Wolfgang") - so wherefore all the soul-crushing guilt?  An inkling ain't no thang, my girl.

So I suspect that the attraction between you is much more extreme than you let on.  But let's face it, Bells: you are not going to "cheat even though [you] don't want to."  There is simply no such thing.  Unless you are so monumentally clumsy that you accidentally fall on top of him, have to grab his manly pelt  coat thicket of chest hair for support and accidentally propel him inside of you, inadvertent cheating just doesn't happen in real life.  However, you may very well end up cheating - because you want to - with your dawg, and then feel even guiltier than you do now.

Obviously, your boyfriend (just for shits and giggles, let's call him "Sparky") can read minds is not a total dumbass.  If he were, you wouldn't be with him.  He has probably intuited that something is amiss already and is trying to just let it slide for the sake of your relationship.  And if you cheat, he will most likely find out and drain the life blood out of you be incredibly hurt.   

So basically, yes: I am telling you to evaluate your options.   What else is there to do?  Either the pros outweigh the cons or they don't.  But if you want my personal and very subjective opinion: I think you ought to stick with Sparky for the nonce.

Why?  Well, clearly you're with Sparky for a reason.   There must be something about Wolfgang that prevented you from seeing his alpha side until recently.  If he were such a prize, you'd be dating him already.  So try shelve the animal passion and let things play out naturally with S.  If your relationship with him ends on its own, then (if you're still interested) have a go at Wolfy.  

Or, you could just dump Sparky for Wolfgang (at which point Sparky will doubtless drain the life blood from both of you). 

Anyway, sorry to be a buzz-kill, but you knew what I was going to say already, didn't you?  Which means that you can read minds.  Please don't drain the life-blood out of me.

Good luck!
Love, 
AA

* You all know where this is going.  Let's just get through this.


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Freaked-Out Fellas: [Jan. 9th, 2012|12:37 pm]
Dear AA,

I am a single, young attractive female. Some men are intimidated by me and don't dare and come up to me. I am left to make the first move, but I sometimes feel that is not good. I read in every woman magazine that a man seeks the thrill of chasing a woman. If I ask a man out I feel that he will lose the interest because it won't be a cat and mouse game. If I don't I might let a good man pass me by. I don't understand these rules or if they even matter at the end of the day. Maybe I'll just be a dog hoarder and live happier ever after? Just kidding. 

Help,
The Single Girl

* * *

Dear SG:

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you are actually in an enviable position.  Some guys are intimidated by you and don't approach you?  Hey, that's awesome; those guys are clearly shrinking violets, and would you actually want to date one of those?  They are WEAK, momma, and weeding themselves out is the best thing they can do for you.

Also, do us both a favor and cancel your subscription to those women's magazines, and shred whatever ones you still have lying around.  They are (to put it tactfully) fucking stupid.  At best, the writers and editors of these rags rely on flimsy anecdotal evidence to support their claims.  At worst, they cynically prey on women's insecurities to sell a product.  Not only do they do that, but the editors recycle magazines' content ad nauseam and think we're too dumb to notice.    

Any man worth dating will be delirious with joy that you've asked him out; young, attractive and confident is a pretty potent combination!  And so what if you do ask a guy out and he gets scared away by your chutzpah?  Again, think of it as part of the weeding-out process.  Any guy who is freaked out by a girl asking him out because it ruins the thrill of the hunt...well, he probably has some issues.  And maybe two Y chromosomes.

In short, a great guy falls somewhere in the middle of a spectrum between total smurf-sucking pussy boy™† and uber-macho 'roided-out freak-show.  Ask out a guy who doesn't appear to fall on either side of that continuum, and you're golden.  (And, for the love of Ray Jay, please throw out those women's magazines!)

Best of luck (and sorry again about the delay in answering!)
Love, AA


† This brilliant phrase is courtesy of my old friend H.E.



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An announcement: [Jan. 5th, 2012|09:04 pm]
To those who have written and posted recently and not gotten a response:

I am so incredibly sorry I haven't yet responded to your queries!  I've had an especially bad run of migraines lately, and trust me, you do NOT want my take on your problems while I am both spacey and grumpy.  So: I haven't forgotten you, and I will be responding shortly; thanks for your patience!

Love,
AA

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Cutting the Cord: [Dec. 26th, 2011|07:57 pm]
Dear Agony Aunt,

Its Christmas and I'm staying with my parents. As so often happens, I feel trapped. I don't want to hurt them, but I feel like I can't be myself around them; instead I am a kind of likeable, fake version of me because I don't trust them.

Around age 15 I became aware that they weren't meeting my needs. For example I really wanted my Mom to stop criticising my clothing choices. I tried anger, assertiveness and withdrawing, but it did not work. Over and over again I tried to get her to stop criticising me, but she would not or could not. Maybe for a short time, but soon everything would go back to the way it was. Instead she told me I was oversensitive, took it to an extreme or said it was a joke.

Every time I got close to succeeding, my parents seemed to spoil it. They took credit for my successes or found a way to sabotage my happiness. I got a grant for my studies and earned a lot at my part time job, so my Mom said I had "too much money" and cut off my allowance. My sister kept getting hers though, so it felt like a punishment for being successful.

When I was single, my Mom used to tease me about every boy who I had contact with. I felt embarrassed, but she always said it was just a joke. She used to talk about having to "raffle me off" to get rid of me, as though no one would ever want me on their own. Finally I met J., who geniunely seemed to care for me. I was in love and happy. But my parents were very cold to him, and criticised him when he wasn't around. My Mom was interfering and trying to influence me so I'd break off the relationship. When I stayed over at his house, she shouted at me when I came back the next morning as she had assumed we were having sex, and felt threatened by my enjoyment of my sexuality. Especially since previously she had sometimes teased me about "sexy underwear" she found in the washing and looked down my top to see whether I was wearing a push-up bra.

When the relationship broke up, I still loved him, and although I was sad and hurt, I was not angry. But Mom didn't listen to what I felt; instead she told me how SHE felt and it was as if she was telling me what to feel. In the end I was angrier about the kind of things she said than the breakup itself. I ended up depressed after that, because I felt like I had not had the freedom I needed to give the relationship a proper chance. I vowed next time I had a man, she would not meet him. But sadly I have been afraid to open my heart again. 7 years later and I have been single ever since.

On top of my finances, my looks and my boyfriend, my Mom also sabotaged my career success, the happiness I'd found living in a new city that I loved, and my favourite subject at high school. She does that by telling me what I should do, and asking questions which have assumptions in them, so I know she disapproves of certain courses of action. The sad thing is that I have "learned" from these experiences. After the boyfriend disaster, I have never felt able to love again; after so many comments on my looks I am afraid to dress attractively, lose weight or wear my hair nicely; after losing my successful career in 2008 I took a year off, and then took a job which I hated. My Mom encouraged me to stick it out there, even though she knew how miserable I was, and for a year and a half I kept listening to her.

I need your help. I don't know what to do about my Mom's attitudes. I am tempted to cut her off completely, because I am scared, and I feel old and worn out from trying to fix a destructive relationship. But is there any other way I could manage the situation? In the new year, I will have a chance at happiness again. I decided to move back to the city I love. I hope I can reconnect with some of my friends from before. And there are professional exams coming up. They are difficult, but if I can succeed in them my career will be much more easily restored to its former glory. I feel like I might be (maybe) ready for another relationship. I have a lot I could gain if I could get my act together, but I'm afraid my Mom will talk me out of succeeding. I just don't know what to do; I'm terrified of losing success again. I've already had three bouts of depression so I just don't want any more pain.

Kind regards,
No More Pain, Please
* * *
Dear NMP,P (and readers):

Please look for my response to this letter in the attached comments (our blog host has post and comment character limits).  Thanks!
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TearJERKer? [Dec. 7th, 2011|09:20 pm]
Dear Agony Aunt,

A little over a month ago a friend at work was having a benefit dance for her son who is undergoing some pricey medical treatment. I wasn't able to go but I left my donation on her desk. I know she received it because she cashed the check but I still haven't received a thank you, either in person, thank you card or email. I understand she has a lot going on but I am hurt she hasn't even acknowledged my donation. I know I can't really say anything to her about it, but don't you agree she should have at least said a simple thank you??

Thankless

* * *

Dear Thankless,

Yes, I do indeed think she should have said some form of thank you.  Even a grin and two thumbs-up as she passed your desk would have been something.*

BUT: this poor woman is dealing with a hideous situation.  Even if her son's condition isn't terminal, it's still bound to be very painful and stressful.  And so I think that she can easily be forgiven for not responding in a timely manner.  

Agony Aunt isn't a parent.  But I assume that a mere month in "sick kid-time" can pass very quickly when you have so many things to think about.  Also, organizing a benefit dance is a pretty damn big deal,† and so dealing with its aftermath must have been a busy time as well.  With this much stress, the woman's brain cells are probably fried.  Hell, she may even think she's already thanked you.  The nub of my gist?  Give the poor thing a little bit more time to get her shit together and acknowledge your gift.  

And if she doesn't?  Well, you still helped a sick kid, which is pretty great.  I hereby give you permission to feel smug for three months.  I do NOT give you permission to treat her as though something's wrong, or slag her off to your other work friends.  Whenever you see her, try to act as you did before, freely rest on your laurels for having done something awesome for her son, and forgive.

Love,
AA


 
*  It would have been decidedly ODD, under the circumstances, but something nonetheless.

†  In contrast, Agony Aunt can't even manage to go to the bank and the grocery store in the same day without giving herself mad (and undeserved) props.
     
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(no subject) [Aug. 22nd, 2011|06:49 pm]


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Seeking Lasting Frosting: [Jul. 23rd, 2011|09:57 am]
[Tags|, ]

Dear Agony Aunt,

I want to start off by saying that I'm actually very happy and satisfied with the person that I am. I'm not saying there isn't room for improvement, but only that I've worked long and hard to become who I am and I've been pretty happy and confident in myself, until lately.

The situation is pretty simple, really. I can't seem to find a proper balance when it comes to relationships. I understand that real relationships are built on a lot of hard work, compromise, mutual respect, and really good sex. But what I seem to have a problem with is I seem to attract men that really are only interested in the sex part. I can't seem to figure out how it is that I meet men that I'm interested in, date them a little bit, become even more interested, have sex with them, and then our relationships deteriorate into just carnal affairs. And before anyone starts to assume--as they always do--that these men are just jerks out for a quick bang, they're actually not. I know, because besides being actually very sweet and just overall NICE men, every single time our relationships end, they end up finding the girl of their freaking dreams right after. And there they are, in these committed, amazing relationships, and I'm forced to ask myself: why wasn't it me? Don't get me wrong, I understand that certain people are just compatible with each other in ways that I never could be with them, but this has actually happened 4x in a row to me. After the fourth time, I feel it really is important to ask, at this point, if it's something about me that is just wrong here?

What do you suggest I do? I've been introspective and I've sought to ferret out any traits of mine that encourage such disrespect, but they seem difficult to find. I've actually asked these men (not at all awkwardly because we're still friends) what it is about my demeanor, actions, etc. that lead us into those relationships, and none of them have ever really had great answers. They've all liked me, have all been attracted to me, but I just never gave off the "vibe?" What vibe is this, Agony Aunt?

I'm not one of those girls that endlessly seek out love, marriage, children, and a home with a white picket fence. I love sex, I'm comfortable with who I am, and have always been proud that I am straightforward about what I'm looking for and what I expect. I like my life as it is and I believe that a relationship would just be icing on the cake. But as it's going, that icing is starting to look very bitter and looking to be not worth it. I don't want to become jaded and I don't feel it's right at all to have to change one's self to be more accommodating to others. After all the hits to my pride and heart, though, it hurts to ask, but is it time for a change?

Sincerely,
4x Passed Over
* * * 

Dear 4xPO:

My dear, I am going to give it to you straight, because I can't bear to be all sarcastic about this letter.  You are clearly in a fair bit of pain, so here's the short answer:

You do not need to change one single goddamn thing about yourself.

How do I know?  Lessee here: based on what I can divine from your letter, you are articulate, mature, introspective and obviously sexy as all get-out.  Finally, you seem to have built up an admirable sense of self.  I'd be hard-pressed to find many other people who are this confident when speaking from a place of total anonymity.  Hell, I kind of have a crush on you!  

The icing (as you put it) of marital bliss can be a wonderful thing.  But sometimes you have to eat your way through a lot of crappy grocery store cakes to find the good stuff.  And even when you've finally found a baker who totally knows his way around a frosting rosette, occasionally you will still find some weird shit like a raisin in the icing.  *shudder*

Look, I'll admit that even with all of the wonderful traits you possess, you are probably not everybody's money, because who is?  I'll be the first* to tell you that I am damn lucky to have accidentally found someone who is as profoundly goofy as I am to love me.  (And it really was simple, dumb LUCK.  I do not believe in the concept of a "soulmate."  Show me someone who believes that his spouse is the one and only person in the world that could have ever made him truly happy, and I'll show you someone who was never good at math.)  

So you probably could have been "the girl of [one of these four men's] dreams."   Who knows - you still might be; marriage certainly isn't forever around these parts.  But whatever you do, I beg you to keep on keepin' on.  (Although you don't have much of a choice.  It's not like you would even know what to change at this point, because a "vibe" isn't exactly something you can buy on Etsy.†)

Hokay, enough rambling.  To sum up: you are awesome.  Finding a raisin in one's frosting is not.  Soulmates = fuzzy math.  Most importantly, please don't compromise your wonderful self-confidence by changing it; you're fantastic enough to succeed in the great bakery of love on your own merits.‡  

Love,
AA



* But certainly not the last.
† Etsy does, however, seem to sell vibRATORS.  This gives "DIY" and "handcrafted with love" new meanings, and gives Agony Aunt new nightmares.
‡ Anybody else have a metaphor they need me to kill?

 
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Text Twist(ed): [Jul. 21st, 2011|09:00 am]
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Heyy :)

Right, i'm talking to this guy i like through text, have done for the last 4 months, and last month we had a huge argument. The argument is all patched up, but the conversations aren't the same, it's all one sided and one worded. I would like to know some good text conversation starters, or (shamefully, i admit) some discreet methods of fishing for compliments.

Thank you for your help, and btw, i am a huge fan of your page, keep up the good work! :)

Need Ideas
* * *

Dear NE:

First of all, please let me say how ardently I admire and love you.  Okay, I sense that you are now confused.  It is true that I (probably) don't know you from Adam/Eve, but you have done what seems to be the impossible in this modern era: you have spelled the word "discreet" correctly, instead of using its homophone ("discrete").  I don't know why confusing the two is a thing now, but I hate it.  I hate it with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.

Where was I?

Oh.  K.  So - your guy appears to be sulking, despite the two of you having ostensibly patched up your argument.  I suppose I could figure out some ways to fish for compliments, but they would be wicked lame and unsubtle ("GRRR - I just hate my perky bubble-butt!"; "Why do I have to be so damn sex-ay?  UNFAIR!").  Because usually, when I want a compliment, I just ask Agony Uncle: "Hey, isn't my [ _____ character / physical trait] awesome?"  And he is forced to agree, because we are married.

But this dude does NOT appear to have gotten over whatever bug crawled up his ass when you had your tiff.  Only you can say how reasonable a response this is.  I mean, if you had asserted your intent to henceforth murder all the world's redheads because they have no souls, I can see how this would give him pause.  And really, the only way to deal with a mad ginger murderess is to respond in monosyllables and hope that she will get bored and find another guy to text with.* 

I realize I'm making a pretty big assumption here by inferring that you are NOT a mass-murderer, but I'm running with it.  So: even if your argument was pretty vicious, the fact remains that he led you to believe he'd forgotten it, but is still clearly holding it over your head.  Or pretending to, which amounts to the same damn thing.  It's a dick move, and it looks like he's playing games with you because he knows he can.

So please ask yourself: is he actually worth all this trouble?  If you DO eventually manage to thaw him out and he starts acting like a human being again, do you really want to start a relationship with someone who 1.) holds a grudge even after you've apparently made up, or 2.) manipulates you because he likes making you jump through hoops?  Both options lead me to one conclusion: he is NOT relationship material.  And so if I were you I would delete his number from my phone and find me a decent bloke.

One last thing: you know my hair isn't naturally this red, right?  RIGHT?  

Good luck!!!
Love, AA



* Obviously, changing one's number is not an option; HUGE pain in the ass. 
 

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I'm Pretty Star of Goats: [Jul. 14th, 2011|09:02 am]
This is a post in French left by a fan.  Or perhaps it is from someone who would merely like me to give them credit; I'm not entirely sure:

From the poster: "Rachat de credit: J'aime vraiment votre article. J'ai essaye de trouver de nombreux en ligne et trouver le votre pour être la meilleure de toutes.  Mon Francais n'est pas tres bon, je suis de l'Allemagne."

English translation (I think)*: "Purchase of credit: I really like your article. I tried to find many online and find yours to be the best of all.  My French is not very good, I'm from Germany."

From me: "Thank you very much!  I am very gratified that humor about goat sex and abuse of prescription medications crosses international barriers.  My French is worse, because I am from America, and I write these things in a combination of English and snark."

German translation (I think): "Vielen Dank! Ich bin sehr erfreut, dass Humor über Ziege Sex und Missbrauch von verschreibungspflichtigen Medikamenten internationalen Barrieren überwindet. Mein Französisch ist noch schlimmer, weil ich aus Amerika bin, und ich schreibe diese Dinge in einer Kombination aus Englisch und snark."

And translated from English to Haitian Creole to Korean and back again to English, just in case there's someone out there who isn't thoroughly confused yet: "Thank you! I'm pretty star of goats and prescription drug abuse, barriers to international humor is satisfied on the cross. Because I come from the United States in France, the bad, I'm English and write any combination of snark."†

Thank God for the Internet.



* All translations courtesy of dictionary.com's Full Text Translator™
† I promise you that I did not make that up. 

 
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Placing the Blamey: [Jul. 4th, 2011|06:45 am]
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Dear Agony Aunt:

I'm in a bit of a tricky situation. My best friend (let's call her Amy) has this boyfriend (let's call him Jamie) who is also my close friend as we've all known each other since the start of high school. Jamie and I have always been very flirty with each other, much more before he got with Amy. Just after he got with Amy, we were alone and we ended up making out. We have never told her about this as they are very happy together, this was a year ago now. But now he's admitted to me he's still really attracted to me (the feeling is mutual). Jamie had to drop some things off at my house today and again we ended up making out-he wanted to go further but I didn't let that happen. I don't know what to do. I can't tell Amy as she will kill both Jamie and I and we will be hated by everyone, and we both agreed we wouldn't tell her. Also we said we wouldn't let this happen again but I have a feeling that if we're ever left alone we will kiss again.

What should I do?
Jamie Junkie
* * *

Dear JJ:

It sounds as if you know exactly what you should do but just don't want to actually do it.  Don't mistake me; I am absolutely sympathetic!  Having chemistry that strong with someone feels like you both have magnets glued to your naughty bits.  Uncomfortable, to say the least.

But.  BUT.  Jamie is dating Amy, and he is allegedly "very happy" with her.  Furthermore, she is your best friend.  Those are the only reasons you need to be a grown-up and SHUT IT DOWN.  Because if you don't, you will 1.) hate yourself later; 2.) betray your best friend; and 3.) become a total pariah when the whole sordid mess comes out.  And trust me, it WILL come out, sooner or later.  Amy may be blissfully happy, but she ain't completely stupid; few people are.  If the attraction between you and Jamie is as strong as you say, she will most likely notice something soon, whether on a conscious or unconscious level. 

Also, Jamie sounds like a bit of an asshole.

So Agony Aunt begs you: please step up and be the amazing friend and person I know you can be!  Make every effort to distance yourself, physically and emotionally, from Jamie - at least while the two of them are still together.  They're likely to break up sooner or later (perhaps she will be tipped off by the magnets).  When they do break it off, feel free to make out with him to your heart's content.  Just know that he's probably also hooking up with some other chick too, because that's clearly how he rolls.

Good luck, and please keep me posted.  I'm pulling for you!

Love,
AA


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Standing on Ceremony: [Jun. 18th, 2011|11:11 pm]
Dear AA,

Ok so a friend of mine is getting married this summer...the reception is about an hour away from where I live but the ceremony is 2 hours away! It'll be a big Catholic dealie and I really don't want to drive 2 hours to put myself through that stand up sit down crap.. is it tacky to skip the ceremony and just go to the reception?

Annoyed Agnostic

* * *

Dear AA the Second:

Simply put: yes.  If you put your foot down at driving two hours for the ceremony and doing the papist Hokey Pokey in the pews, you must also shun the reception. 

I empathize with your aversion to long ceremonies.  Catholic weddings can sometimes be arduous for those of us who aren't so invested in the spiritual aspect of the thing.  But just going to the reception makes you seem like the type of fair-weather friend who is not willing to take a few roughs with the smooth.  If you want your champagne, you must also endure multiple readings from the Song of Solomon (or whatever the hell it is they read from at those things; I never pay much attention because I'm thinking fondly of the upcoming cake, and not so fondly of the upcoming Chicken Dance).

Anyway, if he's a peripheral sort of friend, make a reasonable excuse.*  But if you're actually fond enough of this person to voluntarily watch 60 of his relatives stumbling their way through the Macarena, you can probably force yourself to tolerate a bit of exercise in the pews.  Think of it as a good way to work off the calories from all that free cake.

Love,
AA


* Preferably one that doesn't include the precise phrase "stand up sit down crap", but hey, it's your friendship...


 
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Shameless Plug: [May. 17th, 2011|08:32 pm]
Agony Aunt's jewelry has MOVED to a new Etsy shop: MoonstoneCat's Boutique on Etsy!

Click on the banner to enter the shop:


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Knight or Knave? [May. 14th, 2011|04:35 pm]
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Dear AA,

Basically, there's this guy I like, have done for about two months. We weren't in a relationship, but he was always being sweet, and flirty and claimed to like me, and I believed him. Then I find out from several of my friends that he slept with someone else when drunk at a party. When I started talking to him about it he kept saying he was sorry. However, my friends also say that he has said that he doesn't have any feelings towards me, which he denies saying. What should I do? Should I keep talking to him or cut him out of my life? Should I believe my friends, who have no reason to lie to me? Please help. x

What Should I Do?

* * *


Dear What Should I Do:

Au contraire, ma petite cherie: votre bonne amies could indeed have reasons to lie to you.* 

If this guy is special enough for you to be interested in, who's to say that at least one of your friends isn't as well?  Now, I CAN see your friends' motivations in letting you know that your crush drunkenly boned some random chick at a party: that's definitely within the scope of a good friend's duties, whether the reasons are altruistic (they are concerned about your emotional and physical well-being) or selfish (they are squeamish, and you occasionally use the same toilet seat).

But there is also the chance that one of your friends also likes Mr. Party in his Pants, and that she† has convinced some of your other friends to lie for her.  It's not all that likely, but it is at least a possibility.  If there's some bad history between you and at least one of these friends, it is also possible that they're fucking with your feelings just to get even.

One way of gauging your friends' sincerity is to evaluate how ready they were to tell you that he didn't like you.  Did they gleefully volunteer this information, or did you have to weasel it out of them?  Based solely on my own experiences, it would take a hell of a lot of persuading to get me to break news that devastating to someone I truly considered a friend.

Clearly someone is lying in this scenario, and on the basis of sheer numbers, it is more likely that it's Party in his Pants rather than your friends.  He could have myriad reasons for lying - he also wants to get with one of your friends; he's embarrassed that he showed his feelings for you so clearly; he's a sleazy bag of dicks.  I'm not saying that any of these are true, mind you; I'm just brainstorming here.

Whether or not he truly is a huge douchebasket, he already has two strikes against him: 1.) he has a history of allowing himself to get so drunk that he makes poor decisions, and 2.) his version of the story is the minority view.  On balance (depending upon their demeanor when telling you the bad news mentioned above), I would be more inclined to believe your friends.

Whether or not you decide to cut him out of your life based upon less-than-convincing evidence is of course up to you.  But if you do decide to cut him a break, PLEASE wear a condom.  (Or four.)

Love,
AA



* I am switching to English now, for the simple reason that I don't actually speak French.

†  Not to imply that this lovelorn friend couldn't also be a "he."


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Unsolicited Advice, Part 1: [May. 14th, 2011|02:38 pm]
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Well, SHIT.  Did anyone know that it's almost the end of National Etiquette Week?  Well, it is, and I did not.  In honor of this auspicious occasion that I almost missed, I will offer a piece of unsolicited advice. 

Please.  Please, for your Auntie's sake.  PLEASE do not ask someone who is merely an acquaintance or (worse) a perfect stranger:

  • Whether her bag is real
  • Whether her jewelry is real
  • Whether her hair color or highlights are real
  • Whether her boobs are real (you can probably tell without asking anyway)
  • Whether their new baby was an accident
  • Why his belly button looks like that
  • Why his...*ahem*...well, YOU know, looks like that†
  • Whether he wants to have a three-way with you and your partner
  • Whether the several-shades-darker-or-lighter-than-she-is baby she's holding is "really hers"
  • ANYTHING about money
  • (For those of you who work in a non-artisanal retail setting or a library:) any personal question or comment that relates to the item your customer is checking out
  •  "Oh, your last name is Gosselin / Lewinsky / Unabomber.  Are you related to THAT Gosselin / Lewinsky / Unabomber?"

 
Any of these questions has the possibility to seriously embarrass its target, and (unless you're a bit of a sadist) you really don't want to be hurtful.  Nor do you want to be perceived as THAT GUY, that "probably-has-Asperger's-but we're-not-gonna-ASK-if-he-does-because-
then-we'd-be-just-as-rude-as-he-is" guy.

To sum up: contrary to popular belief, etiquette is not an elitist way to make people feel inferior.  At its core, it is about simple kindness.  In that spirit, I wish you all a happy National Etiquette Week!

Love,
AA


† I mean, it has that funny...you know?  Just...huh.  Wow.

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Holy Matrimony! [May. 12th, 2011|08:13 pm]
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Dear Agony Aunt,

As you and your dear readers are aware, wedding season is fast approaching. What's up with all of the online RSVP's lately? Have I missed the boat on something?

Also, if someone fails to specify a dress code for a wedding that is an all-day event, is this one of those "anything goes" type things? I mean, my family is kind of whackadoodle insane and actually had a wedding last year that involved jeans and a keg. I know that's not normal, but if you don't specify, I would imagine that you're kind of rolling the dice with what people wear. I don't want to show up horrifically underdressed (my family once had a wedding where over half of the people showed up in some form of denim, much to my horror), but at the same time, I don't want to pull a Princess Beatrice with that hat and steal the show (hey, the girl knows her own style, you've got to give her credit for that).

Finally, one last question about registries. One of my close friends is getting married late in the summer, and in the course of my daily online shopping I came across a perfect gift for her that I feel is a useful household gift, very much in keeping with her personal taste, and a perfect reminder of the four years we lived together. This gift is not on her registry. Would it be too tacky to select this gift for her instead?

Thank you for your time, AA, and I hope you survived your exams!

Sincerely,
Confused About Weddings

* * *

Dear Confused:

Holy crap in the morning, it's wedding season again!  Thus begins another 3 months in which to gain inspiration for my next wedding...*  But I digress.† 

So, what DOES give with the online RSVPs?  To be honest, this method works for me.  For one thing, sending invitations made of pixels instead of paper is one easy way to help defray wedding expenses.  Also (and this theory is based upon the highly scientific method of me guessing), it seems like people would be slightly more likely to RSVP to something they can easily access on their computers or phones than to actually have to walk all the way to the damn mailbox.  And as for the hassle of finding a pen so you can check those little chicken or fish boxes?  Don't even get me started. 

On to your next query, and it's a good one.  I personally have found that wedding invitations that don't specify a mode of dress will nonetheless generally offer some context clues as to the atmosphere.  A wedding held at a botanical garden suggests flowery dresses in the Laura Ashley vein.  A wedding held at a biergarten naturally suggests lederhosen with an elastic waistband that allows for bratwurst bloat.  You get the picture.

However, should your invitation thoughtlessly omit such crucial clues, then it would be wise of you to contact the maid/matron of honor (if you happen to know her) to get the requisite information.  If you are not acquainted with said maid or matron, then drop an e-mail to the bride or the groom.  Busy though they may be, they will doubtless make time to answer you if you hint that in lieu of direction you will be forced to assume that a dirndl, pigtails and a beer stein in each hand is de rigeur.

The answer to your last question is an emphatic YES: you ought to ignore the registry in this particular situation.  I will make yet another sweeping generalization here and say that for a bride, getting a meaningful and thoughtfully-chosen gift beats the hell out of getting another frigging zester.

Anyway, have a wonderful wedding season!  (I'll just be sitting here at home trying not to mind that you didn't invite me as your date, even though you KNOW how much I love free cake.)

Love,
AA



*  No, no - you misunderstand!  Agony Aunt has no intention of divorcing her beloved Agony Uncle!  But we had a very small, informal civil ceremony, and I would like to renew our vows someday, preferably in a Wedding Dress instead of a Wedding Sweater.

†  There's a shocker...


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